Experiencing My First Mien Funeral. Part 1

Iu Mien people, also known as Yao people to the Chinese, are from the mountains of Laos who migrated to the United States during the Vietnam War. Although we are considered Southeast Asians, our ancestors resided in China until we were forced out sometime in the 1800’s, so our culture has a lot of Chinese influence. Mien people believe in Taoism and with this belief, all of the religious ceremonies performed are guided with a Book that is written in Chinese. Throughout my life, I have experienced many different ceremonies that require the sacrifice of an animal (often a pig or chicken, very seldom a cow) that is laid out on a table for the Shaman to chant.  The chants done by the Shaman are a way of communicating to the spirits.  After the ceremony is finished, the animal is then cooked and eaten.

During these ceremonies, we aren’t allowed to eat any parts of the sacrificed animal until it has been blessed. The Shaman blesses it by sitting in front of the table before the meal and chants so the spirits can come and have the meal first.  After the blessing is done, we are allowed to eat.

 My grandpa blessing the food at our New Year ceremony.

I realized during my grandmother’s funeral that although I have experienced many religious ceremonies in my lifetime including funerals, I don’t really understand them and never really asked questions.  Most of the time, I just do things when asked by an adult, until my grandma’s funeral that is.  I learned so much and must have asked a million questions.  As far as funerals go, the rules for the immediate family of the deceased are different. This is what I learned, assuming that everything is correct.  It was a very tiring three days.

Rules for the Funeral

1. Don’t have sex for the entire duration of the ceremony—this was the first thing my mom told us after the morgue came and took my grandma.
2. Children of the deceased are to stay pure for the entire ceremony, and they do this by not having any meat or oil in their meals.  One person is designated to cook their meals.
3. Children of the deceased are to not shower for the entire duration of the funeral.
4. Grandchildren of the deceased are required to have one meal without oil.
5. For a month following the funeral, the children of the deceased can not go into someone else’s house, unless they are of the same “family.” More explanation on the family part later.
6. The children of the deceased wear white on their heads for the duration of the ceremony and for a minimum of a month following.  After the month is finished, a simple ceremony is performed and the cloth is burned.  After this ceremony, the children are they allowed to enter people’s houses.
7. The significant other of the deceased can’t go to the burial (WTF?!).
8. If your birthday falls on the month of the funeral, you can’t go to the funeral, even if you’re an immediate family member (again, WTF?!).
9. There are specific times where they are calling on spirits to come.  During this time, nobody can be asleep in the house.  It is believed that your spirit is floating above you while you are sleeping, so if you are sleeping during this time, you risk your spirit being lost with the rest.
10. No food can be taken out of the house.  This was news!  Food has always been shared with those who come to help with ceremonies as a way to show our appreciation for their help. This time, unless you are of the same “family,” the food belongs in the house.
11. I’m not sure, but I think if you’re pregnant, you can’t attend the funeral as well.

Mien funerals last for roughly 72 long, sleepless hours with a few short breaks in between; it usually ends on the day of the burial.  For my family, the official ceremony didn’t start until four days after my grandma passed away, so even before the start of the ceremony, there was a lot of traffic at the house.  In the 72 hours, friends and family come to show their support by helping cook the chickens and pigs that are slaughtered for the ceremony.

Along with providing us with their time and assistance with cooking meals, people who come also bring food, money or drinks to help the family out. Everything that was given to my family was logged into a notebook—a few who were very close to my family were very adamant about us not logging what they brought since they don’t want my family to reimburse them for it–yes, reimburse them.  I thought logging everything in the notebook was a way for my family to remember what people brought and to thank them for after the funeral, but that wasn’t it. Basically, those who donated to my family are logged for future funerals. Should someone in their family pass away, my family will bring to them, the same amount of what they brought to us. We want to show them the same courtesy they showed us.

This picture is on day two of the funeral—most guests brought cases of water, beer or soda.  It was getting crazy, so a little game of Tetris was necessary to get these drinks in order.

Superstitions

Mien people believe that the deceased will come back to you after they have gone, especially if you are one whom they loved the dearest.  It can go either way, they can come to you for good things or bad.  Only the Book can tell us why the spirits have come in contact with us.  Since my grandma just passed away, I was half expecting her to contact me since I was the only family member she didn’t get to see before she died because I lived the furthest.  We found out on a Thursday that she had a pretty aggressive thyroid cancer that was incurable, and the following Tuesday afternoon, she took her last breath. I tried to make it home in time to see my grandma.  I switched my flight to come home two days earlier than planned and with my  terrible luck, I was told that my flight was delayed for two hours when I checked in.  The plane landed at SFO 30 minutes later than expected and I waited for about an hour for my bag at baggage claim.  For once, going through customs was quicker than getting my bag, which was annoying.  I was in Oakland, about two hours away from home, when I received the call that she had died.  I’d like to believe that had my flight not been delayed, I would have been home in time to see her alive, but it was just meant to be this way.

The day after my grandma passed away, a few of us were sitting in the backyard at my mom’s house having a few cold ones. The house was quiet since everyone else had already turned in for the night, when out of nowhere, a bunch of boxes fell over in the patio breaking a few light bulbs. These boxes haven’t been touched in a long time. One of the boxes that fell over was actually mine. A box that I moved to that patio back in August before moving to Korea. Without even thinking about it, we immediately knew it was my grandma. The very same night, I had a dream about her. In the dream, we were in the living room at my mom’s house.  There was a lot traffic around the house because everyone was busy prepping for the funeral. I noticed my grandmother sitting on a chair in the middle of the living room watching TV. I was thinking to myself, does she know she passed away? Why is she sitting in the most random of all places? The thing is, when my grandma was still alive, unless she was eating, you would never see her sitting on a chair–so sitting on the chair in front of the TV was completely out of the norm.  She always sat on the floor or the couch. She asked me in Mien “is my hair still colored?” Her hair was colored black, with about an inch or two of silver roots growing out when she passed away. I responded with a simple “no grandma, your hair is all silver.” I remembered her in my dream as the grandma who raised me, with all silver hair. As I answered her, I recall her soft smile to me as my father walked into the room. I remember asking him if he could see my grandma, but I don’t remember his response.  I woke up. 30 minutes after I woke up from this dream, I went into the bathroom at my sister’s house and the light in there flickered.  Coincidence? No.  I have never seen that light flicker and it didn’t flicker anytime after that, so I knew it was my grandma.  I know that was her way of telling me that she was okay and that she missed me.  When she was first hospitalized, I had the chance to FaceTime her.  She told me that I moved so far away that I wasn’t going to see her before she died.  I wish I had known that that was the last time I would see grandma alive.

I wasn’t the only one who had a dream about her.  My eight-year-old niece, Alyson, did as well.  If I recall correctly, it was on the same night as I had my dream. Before my grandma passed away, she was given hospice care at my mom’s house.  She wanted to go home the day after her diagnosis since the doctors weren’t able to do anything about her cancer.  Pretty fair that she wanted to be home with her loved ones before she died. My niece dreamed about her on the bed she was sleeping in in the living room. She said that while the doctor was checking her vitals, my grandma smiled at her, told her that she was okay and to not worry about her.